A starless night will cover day
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Ugh. I've been trying something new for me. I have a tendency to hold my emotions in, and not share with anyone. It takes a lot out of me and I get really depressed and feel I can't turn to anyone because nobody knows anything. So the last 6 months I"ve been trying to open up, share my feelings and really allow myself to become vulnerable. Now, I'm regretting the decision.
This past semester at Fresno State I let myself get close to some guy. I told him everything and I was suprised how comfortable he made me. I saw him every day, We hung out all the time and even had class together. For the first time, I was not only comfortable telling him whatever I was thinking, but I also did things that I normally would not, anytime I' caught myself trying to come up with a reason not to do something, i'd just do it. . I ditched class and went to art hop with him, we layed in the street and laughed the whole night. It was so much fun. Then, a week before christmas he tells me he was in a relationship for 6 years before and wasn't sure where he stood with her... he wasn't sure what to do about it. I told him if he had any doubt to try it again with her because 6 years is a long time and I don't want him to ever regret not trying... He said he'd think about it and then one day I get a text, saying his girlfriend has his phone, not to text him anymore.. that was it. I've heard from him twice since then. It really crushed my heart. I mean, I'm glad he made a decision, I wish it was me but it's not that he went back to her that hurt so bad, the worst part is I can't even talk to him as a friend. I feel like I have nobody up here. Ugh. I'm still dealing with that. I'm not sure how long it'll take for me to get over it. Everytime the neighbors get home I wake up and hope to hear knocks at the door... hoping he's there just wanting to chill. But he never is.
So I refocus my attention on friends. I got really close to old friends and we hung out all the time. I was feeling better. Then one of them was really down for a long time. She started making bad decisions and being reckless and regretting it the next day. She was so down all the time. I understand it's part of growing up and all but she was so different than she'd been the last couple months.. and I was comfortable with her and knew I could tell her anything so I told her how worried I was. I told her she needed to take some time to herself and stop trying to keep going all the time. I told her I felt she needed to do something other than what she was currently because it obviously wasn't working because she was getting worse. She got sooooo mad at me... I'm still blown away by it. I was sooooo sensitive about the whole thing because I knew she was vulnerable.. but I felt she needed to know how much she worried me, and what I saw. I was sooooo wrong. She hasn't talked to me in 3 weeks. I wrote her a couple times apologizing for overstepping my boundaries and what not. She wrote me back once and thanked me for the apology.. that was it.. Haven't heard from her since. She is someone I've known since highschool and losing her is so hard. Especially over something so innocent.
I am thrown for a loop. I've been told by everyone my whole life to be more open and trusting, that it's worth it.... but I'm not seeing it. And now I feel more lost than ever.
Ugh describes so much right now
I'm trying really hard to stay happy and up beat... but it's hard. Working and these winter courses are helping a lot by keeping me too busy to think, but the nights are hard. I went a month without sleep. The last couple nights I've slept, which is helping me a lot. I hope it doesn't go away. I've even tried medication and it doesn't work... and it adds to the cycle.
I feel like the song "A comet appears" by the Shins explains it all so well right now.
"Never worked so long and hard,
To cement a failure,
We can blow on our thumbs and posture,
But the lonely are such delicate things,
The wind from a wasp could blow them,
Into the sea,
With stones on their feet,
Lost to the light and the loving we need,
Still to come,
The worst part and you know it,
There is a numbness,
In your heart and it's growing"
Saturday, January 9, 2010
"We are on different paths. Trees are experiences, no two are alike or are in the same place. We will see them at different times. Maybe climb a few. I'll carve my name in them. We can't mimmick eachothers lives and take away the exact same lessons. We are growing. But not straight up. We are growing in all directions, branching out.
We can't compare our lives and lessons side by side. It's impossible I can't fathom what you know, nor can you begin to understand the complexities of my mind and heart. "
My conversation with my best mate. =) isn't she a cheese ball??? hehe
"I've been watching your world from afar
I've been trying to be where you are
and I've been secretly falling apart"
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
so this semester is almost over... finals are next week.. EEK! nervous and stressed.
good news though, I got into my chemistry courses for spring and will most likely be graduating in May. Woot! I hafta take 2 courses in winter session but hey, It'll be worth it.
Things are going pretty well I guess. I really like this guy but it's complicated and up in the air... it's very frustrating. But its' fun to hang when we can.
my classes have gone alright, busy and crazy hard but I think I'm okay.. passing at least, so that's good.
I was going to be leaving Jamba Juice this spring because I"m enrolled in 6 courses (4 of which are chemistry) but I"m not quite sure about it. now... i'll probably have to keep working each hour I can unless I can get some financial aid. ugh
so tonight, my dad calls me and tells me he has to tell me something. He sounds pretty distressed so I call him back ASAP. He tells me not to use the credit card because they had to max out their credit cards to pay off my sister's loans. She says she's been paying for a year and they said that she hasn't made a payment since March. They were about to turn her into collections so my parents paid it off because my mom is the cosigner. I feel sooo ssooo soo bad for them because they keep getting screwed over by my sisters. Christy is finally on track (in a sense) and now Bethany is fucking it all up. oy vey. I am thinking of ways I can make sure I dont' need their help next semester at all. I have already paid off my winter and spring enrollment fees but have not bought my books at all yet. I'm not sure what to do yet. I'm afraid to work and make my grades suffer but I need to in order to pay rent. ACK! I just hope my loan comes through again, and maybe financial aid can help.
blah blah blah
sorry, had to vent a little so I didn't just lose it. still might though. haha
"It's a luscious mix of words and tricks
That let us bet when you know we should fold "
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
AGHHH!! so busy.. Pharm applications, class, work, tests, quizes, homework, midterms
gotta get through it... i just gotta..
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
I'm off today. The impending October is approaching and I'm getting nervous. It's not a good month for me and I'm just counting down the days until November.
Update time. =)
here are some facts about the month of August
I moved up to Fresno and am really enjoying my living arrangments. It's odd at times but it's fun overall. I live with my friend Cassie, Ricky and a German foreign student named Michael. It's quite a riot when we all get together. I do not like Fresno at all but am enjoying not being home... even though I visit almost every weekend.
My Classes are hard. I'm taking Biochemistry, Physical Chemistry, Genetics and a Comparative Religion class. I 'm doing alright in them.. but struggling a bit. Physical Chemistry takes the most out of me. It's a really hard subject for me but I am doing my best. we just got our first test back. I got a 70 percent on it but he is letting us do a redo and we get a proportion of the points from that added to our score. so that's good. I had hoped i could graduate within the year but found out I have one more biology course I need to fulfil and since I"ll be taking 3 chemistry classes and two upper division requirements I am afraid to take on much more. But we'll see what happens.
My sisters baby is doing very well. He's huge. He is in 12 month old clothes and is only juuuuust barely 4 months. He's cute.
my sister is mad at me again (the one in fresno) because I didn't tell her the minute I moved up here. Called me a "selfish bitch" and said that I only moved up here as an intentional cruelty towards her. haha. it is humerous to me.
annnnd fun fact for those who will actually read this. I realized the other day that I have not had a boyfriend in like 7 years... haha. since sophmore year in high school. Kinda pathetic huh. There might be something really wrong with me.. (cuddles my dinosaur).
and now, I'm in the mood for some spontaneity..
and that pretty much wraps up August... thanks for tuning in.
"but when they're parking their cars on your chest
you've still got a view of the summer sky
to make it hurt twice when your restless body
caves to its whims
and suddenly struggles to take flight..."
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Thursday, July 2, 2009
11:59PM - Listen and Love
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
1:55AM - Happy Birthday!
Monday, May 11, 2009
6:01PM - I'm so angry...
sorry if you have me on myspace or facebook... cuz you'll read more than once. I'm trying to type to calm down.......
I absolutely hate how angry they can make me.... and so quickly.
fresno, please help me out here. I need my loan and an apartment ASAP!! cuz I dunno how much more of this I can put up with.
and HA like I care that they saw me roll my eyes...awwww... does that make you uncomfortable?? well you make me uncomfortable and so does your stupidity...
I shouldn't have to lock my door in my own home if I am going into the living room... I shouldn't have to check outside to see if that stupid car is here so I can take a shower..... I shouldn't have to put up with you... and I'm on the edge of not being able to...
Saturday, April 4, 2009
I went to LA for a funeral this week. It was gorgeous. My grandpa is an amazing preacher. For the first time I wasn't bored with the sermon portions of the service. I've never been a person for organized religion but this was good. I was thorougly impressed. It was a great service and I got to meet family I'd never met before. I got to make some connections in LA too with family. My cousin Jon is an actor/singer and does a lot of musicals. He's in "City of Angels" right now which I REALLY wanna see but I'm not sure if I can. But he said he'll be my BBVD date when they come to California. And he said he'll help me find places to live in LA when I decide where I'm going to go. My Uncle and his wife agreed to the same thing as well. It's nice to have those connections as a fail-safe when I move down there... Cuz I have a feeling i"M going to be very overwhelmed for a while.
annnd on that note. I am SOOOOOOOOOOO ready to leave... I'm soooo tired of the stupid drama I keep finding myself in. I'm ready to make the leap and wish I could this May when school is out, not just when it starts again. rawr
so ready.. but I'll have to be patient for now. wish me luck
"How do you change the world?
-One single act of random kindness at a time"
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
9:21PM - Life is For Sharing
would anybody like to learn this with me and bust a move in a random location?
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
12:40AM - Happy Square Root Day!
Celebrate the type of day that only comes 9 times in a century
(For clarification read the article below)
Dust off the slide rules and recharge the calculators. Square Root Day is upon us.
The math-buffs' holiday, which only occurs nine times each century, falls on Tuesday — 3/3/09 (for the mathematically challenged, three is the square root of nine).
"These days are like calendar comets, you wait and wait and wait for them, then they brighten up your day — and poof — they're gone," said Ron Gordon, a Redwood City teacher who started a contest meant to get people excited about the event.
The winner gets, of course, $339 for having the biggest Square Root Day event.
Gordon's daughter even set up a Facebook page — one of a half-dozen or so dedicated to the holiday — and hundreds of people had signed up with plans to celebrate in some way. Celebrations are as varied: Some cut root vegetables into squares, others make food in the shape of a square root symbol.
The last such day was five years ago, Feb. 2, 2004, which coincided with Groundhog Day. The next is seven years away, on April 4, 2016.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Sunday, February 15, 2009
so i'm sure those of you who talk to me ever are getting tired of hearing about this, so feel free to skip..
my sister is dating a guy that is 8 years younger than her... I call him stupid 18 year old. (clever huh). I despise him sooooooo much.. with every fiber of my being..
good start to the story huh!
so he and my sister are playing Magic in the living room, (lammmme) and I"m cleaning my room. As a song came to the end i heard him talkin to my dad about the cards and game. He was just goin on and on about how much he knows and the prices of the cards, the prizes that you win in tournaments... blah blah blah.. I know he's talking out of his ass, so I google the information he was telling my dad.....
I Win.. dumbass....
problem is..this guy annoys me so much that I just googled crap he was rambling on about for my own satisfaction..
is this wrong?? probably.. but I thought I'd share it with someone...
I need to move out... but thats besides the point. =)
"But thats irrelevant!...
No, a relephant eats peanuts!"
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
yesterday was my birthday. =)
Hooray for 22!
it was a good day. Got videos of my dad singing that holler back girl song.. hahaha.. he didn't know i was recording him. And then he started singing in spanish.. he did pretty well! hahaha
I also got out of Ochem yesterday 3 hours early. YAY!! i hate that class. haha
but they were out of malt at Sonic.. boo.. I love malts...
I also got the first season of Big Bang Theory. I watched a couple episodes last night.. haha it's pretty funny. Anyone ever seen it??
all in all. pretty good day. We're celebrating at the Brickhouse on Thursday so that'll be even more fun. Hooray for Karaoke! I sang last week. I think I"ll do it again this week. =) cuz it's fun
"I grabbed some frozen strawberries so I could ice your bruisey knees
but frozen things they all unfreeze and now I taste like
all those frozen strawberries I used to chill your bruisey knees,
hot July ain't good to me, I'm pink and black and blue for you...."
Saturday, January 10, 2009
12:51AM - Sadness...
Ellie I love and miss you terribly
( =(Collapse )
thanks to those who humor me, I understand most people don't feel animals are that important but ours are a big part of our family and our lives.
We had Ellie around 16 years and I things just aren't the same without her.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
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